


so many signs

by septiceyesweetheart



Category: ben schwartz
Genre: Depression, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I had really big sad n wanted to feel better, References to Depression, Songfic, ben helps me get thru it lately, im still pretty fuckin sad tho lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:22:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25665085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/septiceyesweetheart/pseuds/septiceyesweetheart
Summary: exile - taylor swift
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	so many signs

**Author's Note:**

> this is dedicated to the ben schwartz simps on discord

The sad piano and sad voices gently danced around Bella's ears as the song repeatedly played from her phone. She stared blankly at the ceiling, feeling the weight of life sitting on her chest. Her gloom usually demanded to be felt this way.

No crying, no laying under the covers, no lashing out at those who claim they care. Only sprawling out on the floor, half hoping her limbs would detach from her body to reflect the internal mess she had going on. Feeling full to the brim, but so horrifically empty at the same time.

In a way, this was good. She only ever did this at her old apartment. Not even the living spaces of past lovers saw this side of Bella Santiago. She "carried herself very well" as others put it. But it was still a lot to carry. The fact that she was lying on the floor in a bedroom she was borrowing indefinitely in a house that was not hers said a lot, no? Was it safe to say that she was comfortable here?

Even then, Bella wasn't sure why this mind numbing gloom was happening. She mapped it out in her head: she found shelter, she had gas in her car, food in the fridge, and not to mention Ben's general presence. (That was more of a bonus.) However, not even Ben Schwartz could fix whatever broken piece was cutting into this woman today.

There was a knock on the door. Speak of the tall, lanky devil.

"Yeah?" Bella called, granting entrance. Her voice was oddly clear and steady.

Ben entered, taking only one step before looking down at the pink haired girl laying on the floor in corpse pose. "Everything okay?"

Bella chose not to answer. She simply grabbed her phone, paused the music, and sat up on her elbows. "What's up?"

"No, no. You first. Why are you on the floor?"

"Taking in new music hits different when you're laying on the floor."

"Why do you sound so sad?"

"It's a sad song."

And she lied back down, moving her hair to one side so it didn't sprawl out. For once, she wasn't embarrassed about being caught in an odd position like this. The nerves didn't come and it probably had to do with the fully empty weight on her chest.

"Did you need something?" she asked Ben, noticing that he was just silently staring.

"Wanted to see if you were hungry," he replied, "but you're clearly very busy."

Bella patted the space next to her. "Come lay with me."

Surprisingly, he did. Ben lied down on his back next to her. Then Bella turned on her side, curling up just a little. She had her phone, and she restarted the song she was listening to before.

"I'm not trying to drag you down with me," she said. "Just need the solidarity."

"Gotcha."

The sound of his voice… Bella could tell he wanted to ask more questions, and he typically would. Ben was the type to redirect the situation to stop the tears and address it later. But he didn't hover this time. He just lied there with her as she wallowed.

_"I think I've seen this film before_

_And I didn't like the ending_

_You're not my homeland anymore_

_So what am I defending now?"_

"Wow." Ben sighed. "I get why you do this now."

Bella only nodded. It hit _very_ different now that someone else was here. The crack in her already cracked heart deepened a little more, and small tears began to leak from the corners of her eyes. Why did she have to react so dramatically to depressing songs? Was it the depression? Was it because it was just so easy to lie down and take it?

She suddenly turned onto her back, rubbing at her eyes. There weren't any sobs waiting to erupt out of her, that was one weird thing about days like these. Her eyes were just sweating while her heart and brain were exhausted from this inexplicable rollercoaster. She didn't want to be on this ride, but she wouldn't know where to go if she got off.

"Hey," Ben said, and he took her hand away from her face. "It's okay."

Their hands went down in the space between the two of them. His thumb rubbed her skin, like he was cautiously tip toeing around her. Normally, Ben would squeeze or massage whatever he could, it was his love language. A reassuring touch was healing. But he was gentle.

_"I'm not your problem anymore_

_So who am I offending now?"_

"I know," Bella replied so as to not worry him. "It's just heavy stuff."

_"I think I've seen this film before_

_So I'm leaving out the side door"_

Then, Ben sat up. "Well, let's sing it. That's therapeutic, right?"

"Do you even know the words?" Bella didn't want to get up yet, but she still held his hand.

"Of course I do! Watch-" And he sang along. Well, he confidently mumbled the bridge in a tune that resembled that of the song.

His attempt made Bella want to properly weep. A tiny spark of joy went through her at the sight of Ben acting like he was nailing it. That little spark was enough for Bella to properly sing along:

_"I gave so many signs"_

Ben looked impressed as he kept singing gibberish. He hadn't heard Bella sing before, a true testament that he did not watch her channel.

_"So many signs_

_So many signs_

_Didn't even see the signs"_

A little smile grew on Bella's face, despite the depressing lyrics coming out of her mouth. Ben got into it with his way of singing, closing his eyes and bopping his head like he was singing his heart out. Bella sang the actual lyrics but they didn't feel as heavy anymore.

Still, tears came out of her eyes as she finally sat up.

Ben didn't falter when he opened his eyes again. The chorus came around again, and he dramatically placed his hand on Bella's cheek, half for the bit and half to wipe away her tears.

_"You were my town, now I'm in exile_

_Seeing you out_

_I think I've seen this film before_

_So I'm leaving out the side door"_

Her voice wavered a little bit, but now she was determined to see this enjoyably gloomy bit/song to the end. It was only difficult because Ben's timing was off.

The bit ended when the song did, and that was when he put his arm around Bella.

"You're okay," he told her gently.

The comfort was almost too much. Bella said nothing out of fear of turning into a blubbering mess. She merely nodded her head.

"You have a beautiful voice, by the way," Ben added. "Who knew you had a voice like that?"

Bella shrugged.

"A lot of people probably. There's no way you keep that all to yourself."

She nodded.

There was a pause, and all Ben did was rub her shoulder in that affectionate way he liked to do. Then, he nudged her so she could look at him.

"You know you don't have to trap yourself in here, right?" he said. "You can talk to me anytime you want. I'm here."

Of course she knew that. Of all the people she could be spending quarantine with, Bella was glad it was Ben.

"I don't always cry when I'm on the floor," she finally said. Her voice was soft and timid. "It was supposed to be a calming thing. A way to center myself."

"Okay. But my offer still stands. We're rooming together, we gotta make sure we're okay."

"Well, I am now." Bella perked up a little more. She needed him to hear this. "You make things more bearable."

Ben grinned and squeezed her shoulders once again.


End file.
